I love the fact that I keep on updating my life story on blog. Recently I've posted a lot, and that, for me, is an achievement.
I totally forgot how it felt like not being able to breathe and crying myself to sleep. I can't believe that I get to feel it again after a year. What's worse now, as compared to last year, is that I don't have anyone to talk to. What I have is only this blog, where I'm forcing myself to write this in because I might go crazy if I keep these feelings to myself.
I've seen many signs that I'm not the same girl who I used to be.
I don't seem to sing and dance to my favorite songs anymore. Those were my hobbies.
I've abandoned my guitar for months because I don't feel any pleasure playing it.
Nothing excites me anymore.
It's funny how I always reach for blog nowadays.
It's because I'm always feeling down lately. I feel like shit. What's worse is that I have no one to talk to. I don't know if I really don't have anyone to talk to or just I don't like telling people what I feel. But when I do tell people, they often don't care. That's when I started bottling up my feelings.
You don't know what's going on in someone's life. You see strangers everyday, you see them laughing with their friends, you see them smile back at you, but you never know what do they exactly feel.
And I'm one of those strangers too.
I smile to people. I do laugh. But most of the time, I'm alone, I cry at the stairs of my block and move to other locations when I listen to people coming down. And no one ever saw me like this. What they always see is the happy mask that I wear in front of people.
Talking about stairs. I always went there whenever I felt sad. That's because I couldn't cry in my room because my roommate was always there. That was the place where I cried at the sixth floor and listened to some girls, maybe they were best friends, sang some songs and laughed at the seventh floor. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't have friends.
Why don't I have friends?
I grew up as one of the loudest girl, always cheerful, active in everything, now I'm lonely.
Where are they?
How does it feel?
To be loved?
Loving the right person, and being loved back are probably one of the greatest feelings that we might possibly feel. I've loved the wrong guy like an idiot person. Imagine how would I look if I love the right one.
Honestly, I don't know how it feels to be genuinely loved by a guy. I always feel like I don't deserve to be happy and no one would ever love me the way I am. I'm not pretty, and I'm far from being smart. I couldn't even love myself. They say that in order for us to feel loved by others, we have to love ourselves first.
If only it's that easy like how it sounds.
Whatever it is, I'm still hoping that I'll end up with a guy that loves me so much, makes me feel pretty all the time even when I just wake up in the morning, doesn't abuse me mentally or physically, respects me as a woman, and loyal.
Because I want to know how it feels like to be loved.
September is four months away from now.
What am I waiting for? What is so special with that month?
Well, on September 1st, other than papa's birthday, it's when I'll be furthering my studies in bachelor of law, inshaallah. I have done my interview a week ago and I think I did the best I could. The interview went well even though they asked questions that were beyond my expectations. And if, let's say, I pass the interview, I'll be doing my degree in UiTM Shah Alam.
UiTM is not even close from being an inferior university like other people think. I've always wanted to pursue my studies there. I adore the alumni, the dean (which is also an alumni), their achievements especially at international level. I also went to UiTM Dengkil during my foundation days which made me fall in love more and more with UiTM.
I know that most of the people underestimate UiTM. They say that the university is only for privileged kids with results that are not that great. If you get 4.0 in UiTM, that means you only get 2.0 in UIA and whatnot. I say that the competition there is high. My friends are brilliant and most of them got 9As in SPM. You should see them present or debate, though. Speaking in English is so common there. Even I myself improved a lot in my second language.
Anyhow, I am looking forward to getting into law school. I've been at home for a month and I'm already bored.
Is it bizarre to say that I miss reading law?
- If you borrow something from someone, be it books, clothes, or money, please give it back to that person as soon as possible. Don't make them ask and even if they don't remember, it doesn't mean that you have to keep your mouth shut and pretend that you don't too.
- There's no problem of being single. Don't fall in love just because you're lonely and you think that you need someone to fill in the vacancy in your heart. Fall in love when you have finally found the right one. Fall in love when you're ready to have commitments.
- Trust no one, even the closest ones around you.
- Appreciate everything that you have now before they become something that you had. Thank people around you for carrying your books, thank them for lending you a charger when your phone's running out of battery, thank them for helping you memorize everything before you get into the exam hall.
- Smile more. You might make someone's day just by giving them a smile.
- Have fun with your family and friends. We never know what the future holds, so do as many things as you could together when you still have the chance. Have dinner together. Watch the TV together. Sing together.
- Keep your circle small. It's way better to have 3 friends who are always there for you at 3 pm when you're happy and 3 am when you're lonely rather than having lots of friends who laugh with you and then disappear in your darkest days.
- Don't play with your phone too much. Twitter and Instagram can wait, spend time with people around you first.
- Dress well. Put on some makeup.