2 months ago, I thought by now I would be happier and my condition with my ex would be better since he told me he'd find me again once he was ready, but sadly it got worse. He does not even want me to wait for him anymore. There's no more 'one day'. I waited for more than 2 months for him to come back and now there's nothing to wait for anymore. He even wants to let me go and find someone else. I know I wouldn't, but doesn't that mean he's free to find someone else too? I don't think I like that idea.
It breaks my heart that he does not want to be with me anymore when I've been fighting to save this relationship for almost two years. To save us. Every time we have a serious talk, I tell him everything what's on my mind but he always says nothing. Every time. I really need to know whether he still loves me. Yes he always said he still does, and he still treats me the same way, but the way he talks tells me otherwise. I feel very stupid and desperate but I've been both stupid and desperate for as long as I can remember so I'm gonna keep being like this until I move on. Fuck, I really want to move on. If only it was easy.
20 months ago I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world to be able to be his girlfriend. I love him even more day by day, even though sometimes there are signs by the universe telling me that I should leave. I ignored all of those signs. Because I love him, okay? And I've been loving him since I was 17 so I'm scared if I never love again if we break up. And now that we broke up, I feel like I've lost my mind. I've lost my home. I've lost my world. He was my whole world. My main reason that I still do everything that I do. This is my first time having to move on when I still love someone. My first time being dumped.
I'm sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired and my eyes are swollen from crying. I want to stop now.
A lot have happened in June. A lot have changed. From not being able to leave home due to the MCO, things are going back to how it was again. From playing games with my boyfriend and spending every day talking to each other on Facetime, now we don't even talk anymore. I am not coping well if you ask, but that's fine.
I want to start off this post by talking about my birthday, because I turned 21 on the 2nd and I was supposed to celebrate with my friend Hannah by having a birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant with the view of KLCC, wearing fancy dresses. But instead, I spent the day with my small family including both of my grandparents. I am not that type who asks for people to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I hate my birthday. What's there to love about my existence anyway? But since I've been wanting to try to love myself more this year, and since I'm turning 21, I think that explains why I planned to celebrate my birthday this time with Hannah, because we were born only 5 days apart.
On my birthday, my parents went back from town with balloons and a cake, which was very unexpected. My mom even cooked my favorite laksa penang. We decorated the house with some blue balloons and 'happy birthday' bunting and it was very touching to see my siblings and my parents put such effort to make it happen. Even though it was just a small celebration, I felt blessed. Right when we were enjoying my birthday lunch, a Nutella pie was delivered to my house by a runner. It was from Hannah and Maria, my two best friends who are living in KL. That was unexpected too. A few days later, Syera and Farah, my best friends since foundation sent me my favorite cheese tarts. Then some lip glosses from my bestie Ainur came to my front door (she noticed that I was being pathetic on Twitter that I lost my favorite Fenty gloss bomb). Then a self-care pack from Juliana, my best friend in high school arrived. And a few days before my birthday, my boyfriend sent me a gift. Actually, my ex. I'm sorry. I'll get used to it soon.
In the same month, I went through another mental breakdown. I was freaking sad and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I wanted to see my boyfriend but I knew I couldn't. During this time, we were talking again, but as friends. I went to the beach alone this one day. I didn't pick up his call. He called again and I picked up, but that was when I was on the way back home. When I told him I went to the beach, he asked me why I didn't tell him. He wanted to see me too. He went out eating alone. It's funny how we were alone at the same time. We were so close, yet so far. I told him about how my mental health is deteriorating and he wanted to accompany me to see a psychiatrist after my semester is over, which is in another 2 weeks. I agreed. But now we don't talk anymore. I guess it's just another broken promise that we made.
I'm drowning in my assignments because I'm on week 12 into the semester and it's weird not having someone to talk to anymore when I'm doing my work. No one is there to listen to my complaints about my inconsiderate lecturers and rants about my weird ass group mates. No one is there for me to just listen. No one listens to me anymore.
I miss you. I hope you don't take a long time. But I'll still wait nevertheless.
Hello to anyone reading. Here's a little bit about me and my love life.
Loving me is not difficult. I'm not high maintenance, at least not anymore because ever since I started caring about the environment I stopped supporting fast fashion brands. You can hardly see me go shopping and spend hundreds on makeup and clothes like I used to. I thrift and buy preloved clothes a lot and I've been trying to save up because I've been setting a goal for how much money I should save every year. It's for my future. And even if I want anything, I would buy it myself or I'll just ask from my dad. From a guy, specifically a boyfriend, I only expect reassurance, small gestures, time and affection. I just want to be treated right.
My boyfriend, he has done some mistakes in the past and I could go on for days in order to tell you everything. It's been fucking up with my mental health and insecurities because of the things that he did. When I told him that I don't feel the 'sparks' anymore, he asked for a second chance so that he could improve himself. But whenever he tried to do anything, it still doesn't make me happy. I think it was too late. I am not the same anymore. I don't want him to do the things that I have been begging him to do before because I wouldn't feel a single thing anymore. No one should ever wait for a year and a half to be treated right. I have been heartless because I've been hurt so many times and in my mind, I feel like it is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken. I don't want to let anything break my heart ever again.
But it is unfair for him too. I wanted him to change and when he tried, I did not give him the chance. I felt like I unintentionally hurting him and torturing him by reminding him of what he did to me. If I were in his shoes I'd be extremely sad too, knowing that whatever you do won't fix the relationship and the girl you truly love. Indeed, his good side outweighs his bad side but with my issues, I couldn't seem to forget. And I'm still trying because I love him, but it is almost impossible to heal myself when I'm still with him. Every time we tried, we could see our relationship was only deteriorating.
And we broke up today. Yes, with him, the guy that I've loved since high school. I still love him but it's for the best. I don't blame him. I don't blame myself either. We have tried any possible way to fix this relationship but it did not work out. I am not taking it so well. It's sad that I'm not going to wake up to his morning texts anymore and that I have to do my skincare routine alone without no one watching. But at least I know he's not suffering, and that's what keeps me going. He's so positive and I'm quite the opposite, and he knows that. That's why he asked me to do some things that make me happy and change my daily routine. This is the best thing we could do right now. In a mature relationship, sometimes taking a break is crucial. We want some time to ourselves and heal ourselves first and when we decide that we're ready to love each other again, we'll find our way back to each other. He's my home and I love us. I hope when we try again next time, we'll be back stronger than ever.
I'll see you soon, bubsy.
"Sorry to see you go. Goodbye".
As these words appeared on my laptop screen, I felt relieved and sad at the same time. I am taking a break from all social medias. Yes, Twitter and Instagram. I don't really mind about Instagram though but it is kinda hard for me not to be on Twitter because, you know. But it is for the better, I reckon. My life has always been surrounded with social medias for as long as I can remember. It is like I am glued to my phone. I cannot even go to the toilet without bringing my phone because I would feel too 'lonely'. I would watch Netflix, videos on Youtube or simply listen to the same songs in my playlist. Weird, I know, but a lot of people that I know do that too. Now that I no longer be able to access to any social media, I have no idea on what I'm going to be doing for the next *I don't know how long* since I'm just staying at home doing nothing during this MCO period before online classes start.
But I'm going to be just fine I guess. Yes, I'm going to be just fine.
If you ask me, no, I am not okay. But I don't know whether I should tell you here or not because no one actually cares anyway. I'm tired of opening up to someone that I trust and let myself show my vulnerable side for them to just brush it off. As if my problems are not 'big enough'. As if my feelings are invalid. Maybe bottling things up made some points.
The only thing that I have with me is this humble blog, that has always been with me since forever. It's like my unlocked diary that no one ever reads. It's the first place I go to whenever I feel sad. I have never told anyone about the existence of this blog and that includes my boyfriend. Maybe one day but I am still not ready. And I am so glad that I have this blog, the only thing that keeps me sane because I can be vulnerable without having to worry about what other people have to say.
Man, God knows how tired I am of being insecure. I've been fighting with my insecurities since last year, and I think it's only getting worse now. I used to be that confident girl you see on Instagram, who posted her pictures every now and then trying to post her pretties pictures as she could. But today, the more I stare into the mirror, the more I hate myself knowing that I can never compete with other girls out there who are way prettier and smarter than me. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and most of the time I feel very useless. I tend to have trust issues as a result of my insecurities because why on earth would anyone like me? Be it as a friend or girlfriend, why?
So goodbye everyone, I'll see you when I feel better soon. Stay safe and take care.
