Hi.

You're probably tired of me at this point because I only post once a month and every time I post; it's about my love life. Nevertheless please bear with me because this is the only platform that I have that I could write everything freely in order to keep me sane. Let's start talking about my pathetic life. So I'm on my semester break, but I'm taking two subjects for intersession (Torts II and Family Law) so it is kind of good for my mental health, to be having something important to do rather than staying at home doing nothing. That's hella depressing. At least I have something to do to keep me busy even though I paid 400 bucks for those two subjects tsk tsk. My dad encouraged me to join a guitar class to enhance my skills, hence I made a registration a few weeks ago but the music center never calls me back. LOL.  

Now let's go straight to the point. It's been three months since my boyfriend and I broke up. Wow, it's crazy to say three months. I used to tell people I broke up with him one month ago, and then two months. Now it's three months. I wonder if it is healthy to keep counting this. Anyway, I'm still not used to it, this single life. I'm still accepting and trying to forgive him and my own self for what happened so that I could feel more calm because this whole thing; it makes me depressed. I had two panic attacks last week and it was exhausting. We still talk and we still see each other. I'm honestly glad that we still do. We both want this. For us to stay friends and not become strangers. I can never imagine not talking to him at all forever. And we still fight sometimes but we are still so bad at solving.

I've gotten fine with this situation. It's like we are in our normal state; being in a relationship, but happier and less arguments. But to him, he does not want a relationship so it's quite confusing to me. The only thing that is killing me is that we are not officially in a relationship. We meet, we talk. But not having a relationship means that he can do the same to other girls, no? He makes no promises that he wouldn't though. That's the hardest part for me to accept and live with. I want him all to myself. 

We are more than friends, but less than lovers.

All for nothing.

Friday, July 31, 2020 @ 5:45 pm  0 comments

It's the end of July, and I'm still not fine. 

2 months ago, I thought by now I would be happier and my condition with my ex would be better since he told me he'd find me again once he was ready, but sadly it got worse. He does not even want me to wait for him anymore. There's no more 'one day'. I waited for more than 2 months for him to come back and now there's nothing to wait for anymore. He even wants to let me go and find someone else. I know I wouldn't, but doesn't that mean he's free to find someone else too? I don't think I like that idea. 

It breaks my heart that he does not want to be with me anymore when I've been fighting to save this relationship for almost two years. To save us. Every time we have a serious talk, I tell him everything what's on my mind but he always says nothing. Every time. I really need to know whether he still loves me. Yes he always said he still does, and he still treats me the same way, but the way he talks tells me otherwise. I feel very stupid and desperate but I've been both stupid and desperate for as long as I can remember so I'm gonna keep being like this until I move on. Fuck, I really want to move on. If only it was easy.

20 months ago I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world to be able to be his girlfriend. I love him even more day by day, even though sometimes there are signs by the universe telling me that I should leave. I ignored all of those signs. Because I love him, okay? And I've been loving him since I was 17 so I'm scared if I never love again if we break up. And now that we broke up, I feel like I've lost my mind. I've lost my home. I've lost my world. He was my whole world. My main reason that I still do everything that I do. This is my first time having to move on when I still love someone. My first time being dumped.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired and my eyes are swollen from crying. I want to stop now. 

Goodbye. 

June.

Tuesday, June 23, 2020 @ 9:43 am  0 comments

A lot have happened in June. A lot have changed. From not being able to leave home due to the MCO, things are going back to how it was again. From playing games with my boyfriend and spending every day talking to each other on Facetime, now we don't even talk anymore. I am not coping well if you ask, but that's fine.

I want to start off this post by talking about my birthday, because I turned 21 on the 2nd and I was supposed to celebrate with my friend Hannah by having a birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant with the view of KLCC, wearing fancy dresses. But instead, I spent the day with my small family including both of my grandparents. I am not that type who asks for people to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I hate my birthday. What's there to love about my existence anyway? But since I've been wanting to try to love myself more this year, and since I'm turning 21, I think that explains why I planned to celebrate my birthday this time with Hannah, because we were born only 5 days apart. 

On my birthday, my parents went back from town with balloons and a cake, which was very unexpected. My mom even cooked my favorite laksa penang. We decorated the house with some blue balloons and 'happy birthday' bunting and it was very touching to see my siblings and my parents put such effort to make it happen. Even though it was just a small celebration, I felt blessed. Right when we were enjoying my birthday lunch, a Nutella pie was delivered to my house by a runner. It was from Hannah and Maria, my two best friends who are living in KL. That was unexpected too. A few days later, Syera and Farah, my best friends since foundation sent me my favorite cheese tarts. Then some lip glosses from my bestie Ainur came to my front door (she noticed that I was being pathetic on Twitter that I lost my favorite Fenty gloss bomb). Then a self-care pack from Juliana, my best friend in high school arrived. And a few days before my birthday, my boyfriend sent me a gift. Actually, my ex. I'm sorry. I'll get used to it soon. 

In the same month, I went through another mental breakdown. I was freaking sad and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I wanted to see my boyfriend but I knew I couldn't. During this time, we were talking again, but as friends. I went to the beach alone this one day. I didn't pick up his call. He called again and I picked up, but that was when I was on the way back home. When I told him I went to the beach, he asked me why I didn't tell him. He wanted to see me too. He went out eating alone. It's funny how we were alone at the same time. We were so close, yet so far. I told him about how my mental health is deteriorating and he wanted to accompany me to see a psychiatrist after my semester is over, which is in another 2 weeks. I agreed. But now we don't talk anymore. I guess it's just another broken promise that we made.

I'm drowning in my assignments because I'm on week 12 into the semester and it's weird not having someone to talk to anymore when I'm doing my work. No one is there to listen to my complaints about my inconsiderate lecturers and rants about my weird ass group mates. No one is there for me to just listen. No one listens to me anymore. 

I miss you. I hope you don't take a long time. But I'll still wait nevertheless. 

Why does it have to be this way?

Thursday, May 21, 2020 @ 9:48 pm  0 comments

Hello to anyone reading. Here's a little bit about me and my love life.

Loving me is not difficult. I'm not high maintenance, at least not anymore because ever since I started caring about the environment I stopped supporting fast fashion brands. You can hardly see me go shopping and spend hundreds on makeup and clothes like I used to. I thrift and buy preloved clothes a lot and I've been trying to save up because I've been setting a goal for how much money I should save every year. It's for my future. And even if I want anything, I would buy it myself or I'll just ask from my dad. From a guy, specifically a boyfriend, I only expect reassurance, small gestures, time and affection. I just want to be treated right.

My boyfriend, he has done some mistakes in the past and I could go on for days in order to tell you everything. It's been fucking up with my mental health and insecurities because of the things that he did. When I told him that I don't feel the 'sparks' anymore, he asked for a second chance so that he could improve himself. But whenever he tried to do anything, it still doesn't make me happy. I think it was too late. I am not the same anymore. I don't want him to do the things that I have been begging him to do before because I wouldn't feel a single thing anymore. No one should ever wait for a year and a half to be treated right. I have been heartless because I've been hurt so many times and in my mind, I feel like it is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken. I don't want to let anything break my heart ever again. 

But it is unfair for him too. I wanted him to change and when he tried, I did not give him the chance. I felt like I unintentionally hurting him and torturing him by reminding him of what he did to me. If I were in his shoes I'd be extremely sad too, knowing that whatever you do won't fix the relationship and the girl you truly love. Indeed, his good side outweighs his bad side but with my issues, I couldn't seem to forget. And I'm still trying because I love him, but it is almost impossible to heal myself when I'm still with him. Every time we tried, we could see our relationship was only deteriorating.

And we broke up today. Yes, with him, the guy that I've loved since high school. I still love him but it's for the best. I don't blame him. I don't blame myself either. We have tried any possible way to fix this relationship but it did not work out. I am not taking it so well. It's sad that I'm not going to wake up to his morning texts anymore and that I have to do my skincare routine alone without no one watching. But at least I know he's not suffering, and that's what keeps me going. He's so positive and I'm quite the opposite, and he knows that. That's why he asked me to do some things that make me happy and change my daily routine. This is the best thing we could do right now. In a mature relationship, sometimes taking a break is crucial. We want some time to ourselves and heal ourselves first and when we decide that we're ready to love each other again, we'll find our way back to each other. He's my home and I love us. I hope when we try again next time, we'll be back stronger than ever. 

I'll see you soon, bubsy.

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