The first 27 days of the year 2020 have been difficult as hell. 'It is already a bad year for me', I thought. A lot has happened. One of them is that I had a mental breakdown. It was exam season, so that was kind of expected.
But I was too fast to judge.
p/s: I have been procrastinating to write this post so bear with me ><
Whenever I feel stressed, I would plan something fun to do with my friends. That is normal for every student, I reckon. I just like the idea of having something exciting coming up after all the stress, so I would feel more motivated to finish the phase and enjoy. Like during last semester, when finals was approaching, I planned to go on a trip to Penang with my friend Maria after we finish our exam. We thought that it would be nice if her cousin, Kak Siti would come along as she could bring us to places that we have never been to. Plus, it would be more fun! I love her.
The last time I went to Penang was a few years back when I was still in high school. Usually, when I plan to go on a trip with my friends, it would not work out. But this time, it was different. And it turned out to be the best trip I have ever had. I never thought that this trip would make my January so much better.
We started our journey to Ipoh 15 minutes late as we parked the car by the road just trying to connect our phone to the car and choose our songs. After taking our breakfast at a place called New Hollywood (it was all yummy!), we played tourist in the city. I intended to take insta-worthy pictures since I have not posted anything on Instagram since last year. However, the weather was not on my side. It was kind of dark, and even though the rain was not too bad, it was still drizzling, enough to upset me.
Me and Maria in Gunung Lang.
Us in Time Tunnel, a place where you could find all classic stuff in an Asian household.
Then we went straight to Penang. I was mesmerized by the beautiful sunset that we caught on the bridge. We stayed in a place in the middle of the city of Georgetown that we booked through Airbnb. It was all made of wood surrounded by trees and it was such a nice place to have a break from all the hustle and bustle of the city. Of course in Penang we did a lot of food hunting and walking along the streets.
I think I'll just let pictures do the talking.
Our stay.
Maria, Kak Siti and I on Bukit Bendera.
I totally had a lot of fun with these two, and here's to more trips in the future.
p/s: I have been consistent in writing every month now, but it's only February. Let's just hope that I'll keep writing.
I feel free and liberated, to be frank, being at home in my family's arms in my little hometown, not having to do anything until the end of February when my semester 4 commences. I am far away from the big city, finally, after a few months being there where my mind is rarely at peace. Even though I went back to my hometown almost every weekend during last semester, I always found myself longing for home. I was alone most of the time. Everyone there either did not give a shit about me or was not around me all the time. I constantly felt far from being happy. And it is very different here.
It has been exactly a week since I have gotten over with my finals. I had 5 papers in 9 days which means I did not have gap in between papers for most of the subjects and it was really, really emotionally draining. I have passion in reading law but when it comes to finals, I feel like I only study because I have to and not for the sake of passion anymore.
I have been taking care of myself, both my body and my mental health during this long break. I think I deserve it. This month hasn't been as smooth as I thought it would be initially, but it's only January and I still have hopes that this year would turn out to be great. I have been constantly haunted by negative thoughts and regardless how much I try to distract myself from allowing them to enter into my head, unfortunately, they have never left. I'm still trying to find a way to stop them from lingering over and this year, I promise myself that I will not let them control me to be someone that I am not. Not anymore.
My boyfriend once told me that I was always sad because I was the one who let myself to be sad. I disagreed at first. Why would I be sad with no exact reason? I defended myself by saying that I was allowed to feel whatever I wanted to feel and that I had a solid reason to be sad. Most of the time, it was because other people often hurt me. He did not want to let me win so he also gave me his reasons but I kept on arguing.
But, it left me thinking that he was right.
I let myself to be sad.
I mean it is okay to be sad sometimes. I am a human and I have feelings too. People around me betrayed me and they did say bad things about me, but that does not mean that I should grieve over the fact that we cannot be like how we used to be anymore for a long time. It is unhealthy. I can be sad, but I need to move on. Forgetting is the hardest thing but I really should learn how to forget.
There are still a lot of things that I have to learn. Hence, I appreciate help and guidance. What I know now is that I am going to be free from negative thoughts and this time, I hope I always continue to be.
