Hello to anyone reading. Here's a little bit about me and my love life.
Loving me is not difficult. I'm not high maintenance, at least not anymore because ever since I started caring about the environment I stopped supporting fast fashion brands. You can hardly see me go shopping and spend hundreds on makeup and clothes like I used to. I thrift and buy preloved clothes a lot and I've been trying to save up because I've been setting a goal for how much money I should save every year. It's for my future. And even if I want anything, I would buy it myself or I'll just ask from my dad. From a guy, specifically a boyfriend, I only expect reassurance, small gestures, time and affection. I just want to be treated right.
My boyfriend, he has done some mistakes in the past and I could go on for days in order to tell you everything. It's been fucking up with my mental health and insecurities because of the things that he did. When I told him that I don't feel the 'sparks' anymore, he asked for a second chance so that he could improve himself. But whenever he tried to do anything, it still doesn't make me happy. I think it was too late. I am not the same anymore. I don't want him to do the things that I have been begging him to do before because I wouldn't feel a single thing anymore. No one should ever wait for a year and a half to be treated right. I have been heartless because I've been hurt so many times and in my mind, I feel like it is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken. I don't want to let anything break my heart ever again.
But it is unfair for him too. I wanted him to change and when he tried, I did not give him the chance. I felt like I unintentionally hurting him and torturing him by reminding him of what he did to me. If I were in his shoes I'd be extremely sad too, knowing that whatever you do won't fix the relationship and the girl you truly love. Indeed, his good side outweighs his bad side but with my issues, I couldn't seem to forget. And I'm still trying because I love him, but it is almost impossible to heal myself when I'm still with him. Every time we tried, we could see our relationship was only deteriorating.
And we broke up today. Yes, with him, the guy that I've loved since high school. I still love him but it's for the best. I don't blame him. I don't blame myself either. We have tried any possible way to fix this relationship but it did not work out. I am not taking it so well. It's sad that I'm not going to wake up to his morning texts anymore and that I have to do my skincare routine alone without no one watching. But at least I know he's not suffering, and that's what keeps me going. He's so positive and I'm quite the opposite, and he knows that. That's why he asked me to do some things that make me happy and change my daily routine. This is the best thing we could do right now. In a mature relationship, sometimes taking a break is crucial. We want some time to ourselves and heal ourselves first and when we decide that we're ready to love each other again, we'll find our way back to each other. He's my home and I love us. I hope when we try again next time, we'll be back stronger than ever.
I'll see you soon, bubsy.
"Sorry to see you go. Goodbye".
As these words appeared on my laptop screen, I felt relieved and sad at the same time. I am taking a break from all social medias. Yes, Twitter and Instagram. I don't really mind about Instagram though but it is kinda hard for me not to be on Twitter because, you know. But it is for the better, I reckon. My life has always been surrounded with social medias for as long as I can remember. It is like I am glued to my phone. I cannot even go to the toilet without bringing my phone because I would feel too 'lonely'. I would watch Netflix, videos on Youtube or simply listen to the same songs in my playlist. Weird, I know, but a lot of people that I know do that too. Now that I no longer be able to access to any social media, I have no idea on what I'm going to be doing for the next *I don't know how long* since I'm just staying at home doing nothing during this MCO period before online classes start.
But I'm going to be just fine I guess. Yes, I'm going to be just fine.
If you ask me, no, I am not okay. But I don't know whether I should tell you here or not because no one actually cares anyway. I'm tired of opening up to someone that I trust and let myself show my vulnerable side for them to just brush it off. As if my problems are not 'big enough'. As if my feelings are invalid. Maybe bottling things up made some points.
The only thing that I have with me is this humble blog, that has always been with me since forever. It's like my unlocked diary that no one ever reads. It's the first place I go to whenever I feel sad. I have never told anyone about the existence of this blog and that includes my boyfriend. Maybe one day but I am still not ready. And I am so glad that I have this blog, the only thing that keeps me sane because I can be vulnerable without having to worry about what other people have to say.
Man, God knows how tired I am of being insecure. I've been fighting with my insecurities since last year, and I think it's only getting worse now. I used to be that confident girl you see on Instagram, who posted her pictures every now and then trying to post her pretties pictures as she could. But today, the more I stare into the mirror, the more I hate myself knowing that I can never compete with other girls out there who are way prettier and smarter than me. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and most of the time I feel very useless. I tend to have trust issues as a result of my insecurities because why on earth would anyone like me? Be it as a friend or girlfriend, why?
So goodbye everyone, I'll see you when I feel better soon. Stay safe and take care.
Coronavirus stooOoo00oop you're killing the vibes :(
JK the line is from a funny video that I found on TikTok.
Last Sunday, I was waiting for my university or at least my faculty to take action due to the fatal virus. Class starts on Monday, hence I wanted a confirmation that whether or not we would be having classes since other universities or even other faculties from my university are closing down. I'm studying in the city, and the condition is really bad and it's not getting any better. I felt frightened even when I was just staying at home as my housemates had cough, flu as well as fever. They went for a check up and thank God that they're not infected. I have never had chicken pox my entire life hence my antibody is really weak and I'm very vulnerable to any disease. I waited and waited but to no avail. Out of 8 subjects I'm taking this semester, only 1 lecturer cancelled our class. So I packed my stuff and decided to go back. F*ck it, I'm skipping all classes for the whole week.
I could only drive back to my hometown at 3 pm yesterday because I was waiting if there would be online classes but there wasn't any. I was kind of annoyed because If I knew that this was going to happen, I could have gone home from last Friday. I was fasting so I had to break my fast in the car. I finished Pringles that I bought at a petrol station in just a few minutes. Then I went straight to my boyfriend's house to see him for a while (since we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks) before going back to mine.
Last night, the government had confirmed that all universities in this country will be closed down. My university had also come up with an announcement that we will be having a break until 12th April, which is like a month from now. We will not even have online classes. What does this even mean? Does it mean that we are going to extend our studies? The students are highly encouraged to go back to their hometown but at the same time, the government restricts our movement. People also need to fill up a form to go back if their hometown is in another state. They don't want people to involve in mass gatherings but there will definitely be a lot of people at the police station. Everyone is panicking right now, including the authorities. The least we can do is to just follow the orders.
I totally don't know what to do for a month. I mean, I'm glad that I can stay at home with my family but I don't want to come back to my university and have tests and assignments waiting without being prepared.
Whatever you are doing, just remember to;
1. Avoid going to public places.
2. Wear your mask!
3. Frequently wash your hands with water and soap.
4. Bring hand sanitizer everywhere you go.
Stay safe everyone ;)
The first 27 days of the year 2020 have been difficult as hell. 'It is already a bad year for me', I thought. A lot has happened. One of them is that I had a mental breakdown. It was exam season, so that was kind of expected.
But I was too fast to judge.
p/s: I have been procrastinating to write this post so bear with me ><
Whenever I feel stressed, I would plan something fun to do with my friends. That is normal for every student, I reckon. I just like the idea of having something exciting coming up after all the stress, so I would feel more motivated to finish the phase and enjoy. Like during last semester, when finals was approaching, I planned to go on a trip to Penang with my friend Maria after we finish our exam. We thought that it would be nice if her cousin, Kak Siti would come along as she could bring us to places that we have never been to. Plus, it would be more fun! I love her.
The last time I went to Penang was a few years back when I was still in high school. Usually, when I plan to go on a trip with my friends, it would not work out. But this time, it was different. And it turned out to be the best trip I have ever had. I never thought that this trip would make my January so much better.
We started our journey to Ipoh 15 minutes late as we parked the car by the road just trying to connect our phone to the car and choose our songs. After taking our breakfast at a place called New Hollywood (it was all yummy!), we played tourist in the city. I intended to take insta-worthy pictures since I have not posted anything on Instagram since last year. However, the weather was not on my side. It was kind of dark, and even though the rain was not too bad, it was still drizzling, enough to upset me.
Me and Maria in Gunung Lang.
Us in Time Tunnel, a place where you could find all classic stuff in an Asian household.
Then we went straight to Penang. I was mesmerized by the beautiful sunset that we caught on the bridge. We stayed in a place in the middle of the city of Georgetown that we booked through Airbnb. It was all made of wood surrounded by trees and it was such a nice place to have a break from all the hustle and bustle of the city. Of course in Penang we did a lot of food hunting and walking along the streets.
I think I'll just let pictures do the talking.
Our stay.
Maria, Kak Siti and I on Bukit Bendera.
I totally had a lot of fun with these two, and here's to more trips in the future.
p/s: I have been consistent in writing every month now, but it's only February. Let's just hope that I'll keep writing.
I feel free and liberated, to be frank, being at home in my family's arms in my little hometown, not having to do anything until the end of February when my semester 4 commences. I am far away from the big city, finally, after a few months being there where my mind is rarely at peace. Even though I went back to my hometown almost every weekend during last semester, I always found myself longing for home. I was alone most of the time. Everyone there either did not give a shit about me or was not around me all the time. I constantly felt far from being happy. And it is very different here.
It has been exactly a week since I have gotten over with my finals. I had 5 papers in 9 days which means I did not have gap in between papers for most of the subjects and it was really, really emotionally draining. I have passion in reading law but when it comes to finals, I feel like I only study because I have to and not for the sake of passion anymore.
I have been taking care of myself, both my body and my mental health during this long break. I think I deserve it. This month hasn't been as smooth as I thought it would be initially, but it's only January and I still have hopes that this year would turn out to be great. I have been constantly haunted by negative thoughts and regardless how much I try to distract myself from allowing them to enter into my head, unfortunately, they have never left. I'm still trying to find a way to stop them from lingering over and this year, I promise myself that I will not let them control me to be someone that I am not. Not anymore.
My boyfriend once told me that I was always sad because I was the one who let myself to be sad. I disagreed at first. Why would I be sad with no exact reason? I defended myself by saying that I was allowed to feel whatever I wanted to feel and that I had a solid reason to be sad. Most of the time, it was because other people often hurt me. He did not want to let me win so he also gave me his reasons but I kept on arguing.
But, it left me thinking that he was right.
I let myself to be sad.
I mean it is okay to be sad sometimes. I am a human and I have feelings too. People around me betrayed me and they did say bad things about me, but that does not mean that I should grieve over the fact that we cannot be like how we used to be anymore for a long time. It is unhealthy. I can be sad, but I need to move on. Forgetting is the hardest thing but I really should learn how to forget.
There are still a lot of things that I have to learn. Hence, I appreciate help and guidance. What I know now is that I am going to be free from negative thoughts and this time, I hope I always continue to be.
