I'm at work, but I'm done with my research and I can't think straight.
I have never really been single since I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15. Then I had another at 16. Then I committed to my major high school crush at 17, been with someone else at 18, and got together with my aforementioned crush at 20 for a few years.
Broke up at 21, went through a long healing phase and now I'm 22 and have started talking to strangers in my DMs. Mind you, all of my ex boyfriends are all from my high school so I have never had any experience being with a complete stranger.
Then comes a guy. A charming one. Tall, dark, educated, has a really cute smile and a giant personality. The last one came from himself, which came from his ex girlfriend, which I can confirm to. I'm writing this post because I don't want to forget this memory. Ever.
We connected on Linkedin, and a day after, he found my Instagram account and shot his shot. It is not that difficult to find my account, provided that he only had to type my full name which is available on Linkedin. But I still appreciate the effort. I was not that interested at first as I had grown tired of talking to random guys and no one made it to get my phone number. But this one did.
We talked for a few weeks until he asked me out since my internship period almost ended so he wanted to see me before I go back to my 4 hours-drive-away-hometown. I was flattered, so we did go out together at this cute A&W restaurant with the 60s theme. I was star-strucked by everything, from the way he looked, how gentle he treated me and how funny he was. And the rest was history.
He did ask me a weird question though.
"Aren't you sad to go back?"
"Why would I be sad?"
"Because we're only getting to know each other and now you're already going back".
But I did not quite understand at why exactly I should be sad. I mean we're living in 2021 where there are a lot of communication mediums like Facetime and WhatsApp and plus, it's in the middle of pandemic, isn't everyone in an LDR? I did not expect we would be more than just friends in an instant, but I did expect that we would keep talking regardless I'm no longer nearby. But while I was driving home, he sent me a text. Then it hit me.
He can't do LDR.
I mean, that's fine, as I want to take it slow too.
But ever?
Doesn't that mean that we have to end this here?
It has to, right? Like, I don't see the point of us talking when we know it's never gonna happen. Yikes. That really sucks. He is the first guy that I gave my phone number to, and the first guy that I opened my heart to after quite some time. But it has to end this soon.
At first I thought it was in any way my fault. Like maybe I said the wrong thing, or wore the wrong outfit which he complimented me for, or was not pretty enough which he said I looked cute.
But then I accepted the fact that LDR is not for everyone and I can't force things to happen, let alone when I clearly know that he can't do it.
"Seeing you today frustrates me, knowing that we're not going to see each other again".
Well I hope we will. But if we never will, thank you for the best first date I've ever been on and for making me feel some type of way when I thought the butterflies in my stomach are already dead. It still bums me out, but at least I know there are other men out there as amazing as he is.
Apologies for breaking the promise that I made earlier this year, where I said I would write once a month. I've lost track of time. My mind is all over the place and I feel empty most of the time. And you know it's almost impossible to write when we feel empty. Because there's not much to say, to be honest. Actually there is too much. But when there's too much, we don't even know where to start. So I often choose to not say anything. No one cares anyway.
It's been a tough year. The toughest so far, I might say. I've loved, and I've lost. I've been hopeful and I've lost hope, all at the same time. Regardless, I'm still proud of myself as I managed to get dean's listed for two consecutive semesters while being depressed at home. And for surviving this far. I've been spending time as much as I could with my family and my high school friends while I still have the time. I know when things go back to normal soon, I'm not going to be the same anymore. I'm not going to be back home until my mind heals.
I want to escape.
Have you missed your old self? I do. A lot. But there is no way I could go back to who I was. I'm leaving H in 2020, a small step that I take in order to move on.
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A little update to H, even though you're not reading this.
My way of showing love to you is by finally letting you go. I am too exhausted to still hold on. Go find what you want in life because it's obviously not me. At least not anymore. I wish you nothing but happiness.
Hi.
You're probably tired of me at this point because I only post once a month and every time I post; it's about my love life. Nevertheless please bear with me because this is the only platform that I have that I could write everything freely in order to keep me sane. Let's start talking about my pathetic life. So I'm on my semester break, but I'm taking two subjects for intersession (Torts II and Family Law) so it is kind of good for my mental health, to be having something important to do rather than staying at home doing nothing. That's hella depressing. At least I have something to do to keep me busy even though I paid 400 bucks for those two subjects tsk tsk. My dad encouraged me to join a guitar class to enhance my skills, hence I made a registration a few weeks ago but the music center never calls me back. LOL.
Now let's go straight to the point. It's been three months since my boyfriend and I broke up. Wow, it's crazy to say three months. I used to tell people I broke up with him one month ago, and then two months. Now it's three months. I wonder if it is healthy to keep counting this. Anyway, I'm still not used to it, this single life. I'm still accepting and trying to forgive him and my own self for what happened so that I could feel more calm because this whole thing; it makes me depressed. I had two panic attacks last week and it was exhausting. We still talk and we still see each other. I'm honestly glad that we still do. We both want this. For us to stay friends and not become strangers. I can never imagine not talking to him at all forever. And we still fight sometimes but we are still so bad at solving.
I've gotten fine with this situation. It's like we are in our normal state; being in a relationship, but happier and less arguments. But to him, he does not want a relationship so it's quite confusing to me. The only thing that is killing me is that we are not officially in a relationship. We meet, we talk. But not having a relationship means that he can do the same to other girls, no? He makes no promises that he wouldn't though. That's the hardest part for me to accept and live with. I want him all to myself.
We are more than friends, but less than lovers.