Loving me is not difficult. I'm not high maintenance, at least not anymore because ever since I started caring about the environment I stopped supporting fast fashion brands. You can hardly see me go shopping and spend hundreds on makeup and clothes like I used to. I thrift and buy preloved clothes a lot and I've been trying to save up because I've been setting a goal for how much money I should save every year. It's for my future. And even if I want anything, I would buy it myself or I'll just ask from my dad. From a guy, specifically a boyfriend, I only expect reassurance, small gestures, time and affection. I just want to be treated right.

My boyfriend, he has done some mistakes in the past and I could go on for days in order to tell you everything. It's been fucking up with my mental health and insecurities because of the things that he did. When I told him that I don't feel the 'sparks' anymore, he asked for a second chance so that he could improve himself. But whenever he tried to do anything, it still doesn't make me happy. I think it was too late. I am not the same anymore. I don't want him to do the things that I have been begging him to do before because I wouldn't feel a single thing anymore. No one should ever wait for a year and a half to be treated right. I have been heartless because I've been hurt so many times and in my mind, I feel like it is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken. I don't want to let anything break my heart ever again. 

But it is unfair for him too. I wanted him to change and when he tried, I did not give him the chance. I felt like I unintentionally hurting him and torturing him by reminding him of what he did to me. If I were in his shoes I'd be extremely sad too, knowing that whatever you do won't fix the relationship and the girl you truly love. Indeed, his good side outweighs his bad side but with my issues, I couldn't seem to forget. And I'm still trying because I love him, but it is almost impossible to heal myself when I'm still with him. Every time we tried, we could see our relationship was only deteriorating.

And we broke up today. Yes, with him, the guy that I've loved since high school. I still love him but it's for the best. I don't blame him. I don't blame myself either. We have tried any possible way to fix this relationship but it did not work out. I am not taking it so well. It's sad that I'm not going to wake up to his morning texts anymore and that I have to do my skincare routine alone without no one watching. But at least I know he's not suffering, and that's what keeps me going. He's so positive and I'm quite the opposite, and he knows that. That's why he asked me to do some things that make me happy and change my daily routine. This is the best thing we could do right now. In a mature relationship, sometimes taking a break is crucial. We want some time to ourselves and heal ourselves first and when we decide that we're ready to love each other again, we'll find our way back to each other. He's my home and I love us. I hope when we try again next time, we'll be back stronger than ever. 

I'll see you soon, bubsy.