A lot have happened in June. A lot have changed. From not being able to leave home due to the MCO, things are going back to how it was again. From playing games with my boyfriend and spending every day talking to each other on Facetime, now we don't even talk anymore. I am not coping well if you ask, but that's fine.

I want to start off this post by talking about my birthday, because I turned 21 on the 2nd and I was supposed to celebrate with my friend Hannah by having a birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant with the view of KLCC, wearing fancy dresses. But instead, I spent the day with my small family including both of my grandparents. I am not that type who asks for people to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I hate my birthday. What's there to love about my existence anyway? But since I've been wanting to try to love myself more this year, and since I'm turning 21, I think that explains why I planned to celebrate my birthday this time with Hannah, because we were born only 5 days apart. 

On my birthday, my parents went back from town with balloons and a cake, which was very unexpected. My mom even cooked my favorite laksa penang. We decorated the house with some blue balloons and 'happy birthday' bunting and it was very touching to see my siblings and my parents put such effort to make it happen. Even though it was just a small celebration, I felt blessed. Right when we were enjoying my birthday lunch, a Nutella pie was delivered to my house by a runner. It was from Hannah and Maria, my two best friends who are living in KL. That was unexpected too. A few days later, Syera and Farah, my best friends since foundation sent me my favorite cheese tarts. Then some lip glosses from my bestie Ainur came to my front door (she noticed that I was being pathetic on Twitter that I lost my favorite Fenty gloss bomb). Then a self-care pack from Juliana, my best friend in high school arrived. And a few days before my birthday, my boyfriend sent me a gift. Actually, my ex. I'm sorry. I'll get used to it soon. 

In the same month, I went through another mental breakdown. I was freaking sad and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I wanted to see my boyfriend but I knew I couldn't. During this time, we were talking again, but as friends. I went to the beach alone this one day. I didn't pick up his call. He called again and I picked up, but that was when I was on the way back home. When I told him I went to the beach, he asked me why I didn't tell him. He wanted to see me too. He went out eating alone. It's funny how we were alone at the same time. We were so close, yet so far. I told him about how my mental health is deteriorating and he wanted to accompany me to see a psychiatrist after my semester is over, which is in another 2 weeks. I agreed. But now we don't talk anymore. I guess it's just another broken promise that we made.

I'm drowning in my assignments because I'm on week 12 into the semester and it's weird not having someone to talk to anymore when I'm doing my work. No one is there to listen to my complaints about my inconsiderate lecturers and rants about my weird ass group mates. No one is there for me to just listen. No one listens to me anymore. 

I miss you. I hope you don't take a long time. But I'll still wait nevertheless.