It's the end of July, and I'm still not fine. 

2 months ago, I thought by now I would be happier and my condition with my ex would be better since he told me he'd find me again once he was ready, but sadly it got worse. He does not even want me to wait for him anymore. There's no more 'one day'. I waited for more than 2 months for him to come back and now there's nothing to wait for anymore. He even wants to let me go and find someone else. I know I wouldn't, but doesn't that mean he's free to find someone else too? I don't think I like that idea. 

It breaks my heart that he does not want to be with me anymore when I've been fighting to save this relationship for almost two years. To save us. Every time we have a serious talk, I tell him everything what's on my mind but he always says nothing. Every time. I really need to know whether he still loves me. Yes he always said he still does, and he still treats me the same way, but the way he talks tells me otherwise. I feel very stupid and desperate but I've been both stupid and desperate for as long as I can remember so I'm gonna keep being like this until I move on. Fuck, I really want to move on. If only it was easy.

20 months ago I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world to be able to be his girlfriend. I love him even more day by day, even though sometimes there are signs by the universe telling me that I should leave. I ignored all of those signs. Because I love him, okay? And I've been loving him since I was 17 so I'm scared if I never love again if we break up. And now that we broke up, I feel like I've lost my mind. I've lost my home. I've lost my world. He was my whole world. My main reason that I still do everything that I do. This is my first time having to move on when I still love someone. My first time being dumped.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired and my eyes are swollen from crying. I want to stop now. 

Goodbye.