I'm at work, but I'm done with my research and I can't think straight. 

I have never really been single since I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 15. Then I had another at 16. Then I committed to my major high school crush at 17, been with someone else at 18, and got together with my aforementioned crush at 20 for a few years.

Broke up at 21, went through a long healing phase and now I'm 22 and have started talking to strangers in my DMs. Mind you, all of my ex boyfriends are all from my high school so I have never had any experience being with a complete stranger.

Then comes a guy. A charming one. Tall, dark, educated, has a really cute smile and a giant personality. The last one came from himself, which came from his ex girlfriend, which I can confirm to. I'm writing this post because I don't want to forget this memory. Ever.

We connected on Linkedin, and a day after, he found my Instagram account and shot his shot. It is not that difficult to find my account, provided that he only had to type my full name which is available on Linkedin. But I still appreciate the effort. I was not that interested at first as I had grown tired of talking to random guys and no one made it to get my phone number. But this one did. 

We talked for a few weeks until he asked me out since my internship period almost ended so he wanted to see me before I go back to my 4 hours-drive-away-hometown. I was flattered, so we did go out together at this cute A&W restaurant with the 60s theme. I was star-strucked by everything, from the way he looked, how gentle he treated me and how funny he was. And the rest was history.

He did ask me a weird question though.

"Aren't you sad to go back?"

"Why would I be sad?"

"Because we're only getting to know each other and now you're already going back".

But I did not quite understand at why exactly I should be sad. I mean we're living in 2021 where there are a lot of communication mediums like Facetime and WhatsApp and plus, it's in the middle of pandemic, isn't everyone in an LDR? I did not expect we would be more than just friends in an instant, but I did expect that we would keep talking regardless I'm no longer nearby. But while I was driving home, he sent me a text. Then it hit me.

He can't do LDR. 

I mean, that's fine, as I want to take it slow too.

But ever?

Doesn't that mean that we have to end this here?

It has to, right? Like, I don't see the point of us talking when we know it's never gonna happen. Yikes. That really sucks. He is the first guy that I gave my phone number to, and the first guy that I opened my heart to after quite some time. But it has to end this soon. 

At first I thought it was in any way my fault. Like maybe I said the wrong thing, or wore the wrong outfit which he complimented me for, or was not pretty enough which he said I looked cute.

But then I accepted the fact that LDR is not for everyone and I can't force things to happen, let alone when I clearly know that he can't do it.

"Seeing you today frustrates me, knowing that we're not going to see each other again".

Well I hope we will. But if we never will, thank you for the best first date I've ever been on and for making me feel some type of way when I thought the butterflies in my stomach are already dead. It still bums me out, but at least I know there are other men out there as amazing as he is.